The decision.

On Tuesday I went to see my Neurologist. We had a long discussion, going over options. We decided brain surgery is the next step. I found out I had Epilepsy when I was 15. I had a few 'spells' that year and blamed it on not sleeping enough or stress or whatever. I never told my parents or anyone about them. Then one day I came home from a friends house and told my brothers I would take them to the movies. As I was sitting waiting for them to get ready, I was watching Nightmare on Elm Street 5 with my step-father. I was also chewing gum. During a particularly 'scary' scene, Freddy going after someone in their dreams or whatever, I had a huge 'spell'. There is no good way to describe a seizure. There is a loss of motor control, and you get this super scary feeling, in the gut. Sometimes I hear or see things that have already happened, sometimes I hallucinate, sometimes I hear one word repeated over and over. It's indescribable, the way it feels. No two seizures are the same. This was the first time I had ever had a 'Gran Mal' seizure. I fell to the floor and lost consciousness. I am told that I jerked all over the floor, dead fish style. I, of course, have no recollection of that. My step-father, thinking I was choking on my gum, reached his fingers into my mouth to clear my airway. I'm glad to say he still has his fingers, however that was a dumb move. Also, Epileptics will NOT swallow their tongues. If you ever see someone having a seizure, keep your hands away from their mouths, ok? So anyway, my mom called 911. Thee ambulance came, took my unconscious body to the back. I woke up inside, seeing my mothers frightened face. She even remembered to give me my teddy bear so I had something calming with me. I awoke again in the hospital. This was my first seizure, that was 18 years ago. Life has not been any less interesting since then. The constant tests, blood tests, different meds (and their side effects), it never ends. Just in the last year and a half, I have tried about 10 different medications. Most with negative side effects. I hate them. I hate that I have to take a handful of pills every day. I hate that I am constantly tired, lethargic, lazy. I am currently on the Epilepsy diet as well as two different meds. Still, I am having seizures. No Gran Mals, but seizures just the same. Recently I started researching what I could do. As my Epilepsy has gotten worse, I have constantly tried to keep a positive outlook, for my family as well as my sanity. But nothing is changing. I am having near daily anxiety, small seizures, memory problems, word placement issues. It goes on and on. I looked up the VNS, read the pros and cons. I didn't like how much upkeep there was. I would need a small incision every 5-7 years to change the battery. No thanks. And the numbers weren't impressive. My doc had told me about the RNS, which sounded much more doable, but still a little scary, having something permanently attached to my brain matter. Then there is lobectomy surgery. Sounds super frightening. I know. But, out of all the options, it was the one that made the most sense to me. So that is what Doc and I spoke about. He agreed it made the most sense. He assured me that he felt it would be a good option. I'm ready. I'm scared as hell, but I am ready. I start this blog with the intention to keep it updated with all I go through. There are so many tests and procedures to go through before the actual surgery, and a considerable amount of recovery time. I'm ready. Maybe if I keep saying that, I will actually start to believe it....