Neuropsychology

I totally forgot to post my Neuropsychology testing. I probably forgot because it wasn't fun.

So they broke it up into two days. The first day was super personal. I was asked about my family, friends, hobbies. We spoke at length about Ethans father and where he has been for the last...forever. Was it my fault he left? How did I feel about that?
Then we spoke about the twins and how we are co-dependent on each other. He even admitted it must be nice to have people to count on all the time. It's true. It is nice.
Then I was subjected to all kinds of tests, like putting numbers in order and similar. Some were funny. My favorite was when I had to think of as may words as I could starting with a certain letter. The first words every time were swear words. He was not amused. I have a pirate vocabulary.
The second day was a little harder. I was blindfolded and made to put shapes in there place on a board. I felt like a 3 year old.

At the end he told me it was apparent I had some brain function loss- that my intelligence has gone down a little since High School. So of course what I heard was "You are dumb". Then he told me my intelligence will continue to decline for the rest of my life. I heard: "You are going to get really really dumb". (Seriously- this is a side effect of Epilepsy. Brain function declines over time. This is another reason for surgery. The more seizures I have, the more it effects my brain. I need to fix my grey matter folks, it needs to stop.) I started thinking about all the things I wanted to do when I was younger. My dream was always to be a writer. I haven't written anything in ages. So of course I decided it's because I am dumb now. (Kidding, I'm kidding. I'm still super smart. Duh.) I would still like to be able to focus long enough to do something super cool like write though. (This blog post has taken me a couple days to write. I kept getting distracted with...you know...life or whatever)
So there's another thing- as my Epilepsy has gotten worse, my focus has also. I can't pay attention to things for long periods of time. Especially if it's something boring. I've tried college again and again. I can't stay on top of things and lose interest and can't pay attention so I quit. It makes me feel sort of useless, because what am I good for? *self loathing alert* I have recently been thinking about the future. What will I do with my life when Ethan is older? Will I ever be able to be an actual real member of society? Do I want to be? What am I going to be when I grow up? Do I want to get a real job? Career? *Self loathing, hate, bad bad*

ANYWAY, I spoke to my Neurologist and he let me know that he spoke to several Brain savvy people and as a group decided I needed MORE tests before they started cutting away at my brain. The reason is- even though we know which part of my brain my seizures originate- they can't find and pinpoint the actual spot. Temporal lobe is as much that has been deduced. So, even though I have had the MRI, CT Scan, PET scan, EEG, and etc, still my brain won't just give up the spot. The bastard.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!? It means I get more things! MORE SCARY MACHINES!! One of them is in California, at UCSF. Seriously, that's the closest one. So I have to figure out how to get there. Although my insurance covers the actual test, the travel is my problem. I'm working on that now.
THEN I have another test where I need to be hospitalized at OHSU. This one is more...well, uncomfortable. I get MORE radioactive fluid and can't leave the hospital until I have a seizure. So they will probably take me off of my meds and wait for the inevitable brain fit. Then they do whatever it is that they do. THEN they watch me for 24 hours, put me back on my meds. After that I can go home. Have I mentioned how hard it is to be away from the boys for more than 24 hours? Because it is. For all 4 of us.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING MIMI? I don't know. I'm ok. I haven't cried or freaked out or anything in awhile. I am on a fairly new medication and have been having some seizure activity. (No big ones, just absence seizures. Chill out) The new med makes me not hungry, which is apparently not a side effect. Maybe I'm just tired of my stupid diet. BUT, only 9 more lbs to lose until I get to a weight loss goal I made 2 years ago. So that's cool.

Question, if I made t-shirts- who would buy one? Like: "I support someone who is fighting Epilepsy" or something similar. I hate GoFundMe accounts. I feel that it's begging. I don't know. I just need to raise money to get to UCSF and there are people willing to help but that last sliver of pride I have is pushing against it. I don't like feeling like people feel sorry for me. Even when they say they don't. Even when they are awesome derby people who I love and admire. I have always kept my social life and Epilepsy as separate as possible. Lately the lines have blurred and crossed. It's something I need to get used to. Right? Right.

Right?
-Mimi